REAL ESTATE HUMOR
|
(Bearing in Mind that It Is Always Best to Be Able to Laugh at Oneself:
No Offense Intended to Any Other Hard-Working and Capable Agents)
Translation of selected real-estate terms:
|
|
REALTESE
|
PLAIN ENGLISH
|
|
"spacious"
|
I can't think of anything else to say
|
|
"cute"
|
nice curtains
|
|
"quaint"
|
unlivable
|
|
"adorable"
|
please don't notice how small it is
|
|
"charming"
|
see "spacious," "cute," "quaint," or "adorable"
|
|
"fixer-upper"
|
tearer-downer
|
|
"potential"
|
neglect
|
|
"drive-by"
|
rats are carrying it away
|
|
"not a drive-by"
|
the facade is butt-ugly, but come in anyway
|
|
"deferred maintenance"
|
untouched since 1953 A.D.
|
|
"issues"
|
problems
|
|
"problems"
|
disasters
|
|
"must-see"
|
I want you to see
|
|
"needs TLC"
|
the seller is a slob; candidate for tear-down
|
|
"needs your touch"
|
needs your torch
|
|
"some view"
|
would have a view if neighbor's house is torn down
|
|
"peek-a-boo view"
|
be prepared to stand on tippy-toes
|
|
"panoramic view"
|
more than 45 degrees
|
|
"step-out balcony"
|
barely room for a potted plant
|
|
"bonus"
|
illegal
|
|
"extra"
|
illegal
|
|
"unwarranted"
|
illegal
|
|
"non-permitted"
|
illegal
|
|
"quiet"
|
noisy
|
|
"dog"
|
large dog
|
|
"large dog"
|
mean dog
|
|
"mean dog"
|
dog has bitten agents
|
|
"won't last"
|
please buy this house
|
|
"going fast"
|
please buy this house
|
|
"bring your offers"
|
please buy this house
|
|
"seller is motivated"
|
agent is motivated
|
|
"competitively priced"
|
no one wants this property
|
|
"room for expansion"
|
you can squeeze in the in-laws
|
|
"stove not approved"
|
please don't call the Building Department
|
|
"water intrusion"
|
lawsuit
|
|
"lockbox"
|
halleluiah!
|
|
"shows well"
|
not staged
|
|
"trophy property"
|
I'm gloating
|
|
"protected tenant"
|
many days on market
|
|
"close to transportation"
|
next to freeway
|
|
"very close to transportation"
|
under freeway onramp or offramp
|
|
"close to shopping"
|
across from mall
|
|
(baking cookies)
|
"maybe this will work"
|
|
"TIC"
|
hire a lawyer; check for concealed weapons
|
|
"curb appeal"
|
seller mowed the lawn
|
|
"open Sunday 2-4"
|
open Sunday 2-4
|
|
"pride of ownership"
|
no improvements made
|
|
"as is"
|
beware
|
|
"inure"
|
word added to sales contract to confuse
|
|
"rarely available"
|
no more than 10 a month
|
|
"original owner"
|
hopelessly outdated
|
|
"custom built"
|
bizarre floorplan
|
|
"unique"
|
odd
|
|
"original detail"
|
lots of dark, beat-up woodwork
|
|
"artist's studio"
|
a variety of weird, left-over niches
|
|
"eat-in kitchen"
|
... because there is no dining room
|
|
"easy street parking"
|
might as well sell your car
|
|
"vibrant neighborhood"
|
noisy neighborhood
|
|
"lively neighborhood"
|
noisy neighborhood
|
|
"trendy neighborhood"
|
noisy neighborhood
|
|
"secluded"
|
consider installing a security system
|
|
"mature garden"
|
(a) an ancient near-dead tree is threatening to fall;
(b) tree roots are probably clogging the sewer line
|
|
"delivered vacant"
|
do make sure the tenant knows, won't you?
|
|
"jewel box"
|
tiny
|
|
"expansion potential"
|
can you say "discretionary review"?
|
|
"buildable lot"
|
somebody needs to call the Planning Department
|
|
"pristine"
|
not painted
|
|
"low-maintenance patio"
|
concrete slab
|
The doctor tells a patient: "I have good news and I have bad news."
Patient: "What's the bad news?"
Doctor: "You're going to die in 24 hours."
Patient: "Oh my! What's the good news?"
Doctor: "You've just been elected HOA president, so 24 hours will seem like an eternity."
Q. What's the best way of determining the property line?
A. Watch where the neighbor stops mowing the lawn.
|
|
THE SAME HOUSE AS SEEN BY:
|
THE SELLER
|
THE BUYER
|
THE APPRAISER
|
THE TAX COLLECTOR
|
THE LENDER
|
|